Big Arthur Unmasked on Triple J
(Transcript From The Triple J Breakfast Show, 15/05/2000)
AS = Adam Spencer
WA = Wil Anderson
BA = Big Arthur
AS: You might remember last week when, for some reason, chess came up as a topic of conversation.
WA: As it does.
AS: As it does. And a guy rang in – I won’t mention his name – because he’d seen the fight between two players at the big chess open in Canberra recently. He’s then rang us back and contacted us about a chess website that’s available for people to go and peruse. We’re protecting his identity for fear of reprisal from the Australian Chess Federation for stuff he may say in this exclusive interview. Big Arthur, are you there?
BA: Yeah, right here, mate.
AS: Good to hear. Good to hear you, Big Arthur. How are you this morning?
BA: Ah, beautiful.
AS: That is good to hear. Now, I’ve received information, Will, about a chess webpage called Club Bullwinkle, which, to quote, is Something of an underground organisation, a resistance movement, if you like, to the iron-fisted authority which is the Australian Chess Federation.
WA: Oh, yes. They’re bad news. I have the same problems with the H.H., which is the Hungry Hippos.
AS: So, Big Arthur, how tough are these guys at the ACF, and what are you aiming to achieve with Club Bullwinkle, your resistance movement against them?
BA: You don’t want to mess with the ACF, mate. Dangerous. They’re liable to absolutely ruin your life. They’ll take everything. They’ll take your house. They’ll hunt you down. To the ends of the earth.
WA: They’ll take your house, but first they have to go Check and then Checkmate.
AS: Exactly. They’ll put your house under pressure and threaten you to resign. Now, what is it that you’ve done, what’s the line that you’re not toeing, what is it that the ACF are trying to get you guys to do, that you refuse to be silenced on?
BA: Well, Club Bullwinkle is the place to go, the place to have a look at the way it really is. So people who can find our site somewhere – it’s hidden somewhere on the ‘net – can see for themselves what really goes on.
AS: I like the way that it’s hidden. You can’t get to it through the major search engines. At the moment you still have to kowtow to the Australian Chess Federation and go through their home page to get there, but we’ll link it to the Triple J Breakfast homepage so that people can visit Club Bullwinkle without kowtow-ing to those fascists at the ACF. OK, Big Arthur?
BA: Yeah, that’s good. That’s good. The Australian Chess Federation, jeez. Someone’s got to teach these bastards a lesson.
WA: Yeah, well they do. I mean, you know, for too long they’ve just ruled chess, thinking, Black and white boards. No, I don’t think so. Red and white. Red and green. Purple and yellow.
AS: Absolutely. Nude chess.* Where’s the Australian nude chess championships held? Not held. They don’t exist. You know what I’m saying? That’s the sort of thing that we need to get going.
BA: Well, as far as we know they don’t exist. But, hmmm…
AS: Big Arthur…
BA: Need I say more?
AS: …Sitting on the info. So, you’re saying chess has to be made a little bit sexier, and I believe that Club Bullwinkle is actually, Big Arthur, is it not, having a poll to find Australia’s sexiest chess player?
BA: Oh yeah.
WA: Oh, really?
BA: It’s happening. It’s happening right now. And the only requirement for any candidate is that people try to find out whether in fact they’ve ever played chess.
AS: Oh, so they don’t have to be with a FIDE rating of above 2000 or anything like that?
BA: No, no.
WA: So it can just be like Justin Melvey like, you know, discreetly with a rook in his pocket?
BA: That’s right. Someone’s even voted for Amanda Vanstone. We’re still trying to determine whether she’s actually played chess before.
WA: I believe she’s had chess enhancement surgery.
AS: Run us through some of the field, Big Arthur. Who are some of the sexiest chess players, male and female, kicking around the game at the moment.
BA: Hmmm. Should I say any names?
AS: See, Ian Rogers – the Australian champion – I like Ian’s work. He could trim the beard slightly, and maybe get a different set of glasses…
BA: Yeah, Ian I suppose – as far as a guy goes – is not so bad.
WA: Ian Rogers is a sexy name, too. You can just imagine him saying, I’ve come to clean the chessboard.
AS: What about yourself, Big Arthur? Do you look good in a nice sort of off-the-shoulder number, draped over a board.
BA: Oh yeah, I suppose I look alright.
AS: That’s really very sweet of you, Big Arthur. So if people want to get along, we’ll link Club Bullwinkle to the Triple J Breakfast Show site. What would you ideally like to achieve through Club Bullwinkle, Big Arthur? What’s the real goal here?
BA: Oh, the real goal is world domination and complete chaos of the entire Milky Way galaxy.
AS: The chess-playing fraternity within it, or the whole galaxy?
BA: Ah, well, both. The real goal…
WA: Are we talking to somebody from the chess underground movement, or are we talking to the guy from Pinky and the Brain?
BA: Alright, alright, alright. The real goal for Club Bullwinkle is to highlight the way chess should be.
AS: In a perfect world?
BA: Yeah, that’s right.
AS: Excellent, excellent. Well, look, we’ll keep our listeners in touch with the activities of Club Bullwinkle by linking it to the website. Ideally, what’s the one thing you’d change about chess, Nik? What’s the one- Um, Big Arthur. What’s the one thing we could do to make chess a little bit more modern?
WA: There goes that secret name business!
AS: Big Arthur. Big Arthur. Big. Arthur.
BA: I’ve been saying for years, there should be more beach tournaments. You should be able to have a swim between moves.
WA: Ahhh! A bit of beach chess.
BA: Yeah, that’s what we need.
WA: Maybe a bit of Matilda-style nude work?
BA: Yeah, yeah. Great. Great. Oh yeah. Maybe we should even make a calendar of chess players.
AS: That would be fun.
WA: Oh, there we go.
AS: We’ll put you in charge of that, Big-
BA: Chess Players Raw.
AS: …Big Arthur. OK, you get the raw chess player calendar out there. We’ll link the Bullwinkle site to the Triple J Breakfast page, so if people want to know what’s going on in the Australian underground chess resistance movement, you guys can ferry information out to them without having to kowtow to the toadying, fascist oppressors that are the ACF, yes?
BA: Yeah, that’s right.
AS: Viva la Resistance, Big Arthur.
BA: Oh yeah.
WA: It’s got nothing to do with a guy called Nik…There’s no-one called Nik involved in this at all… Nik, never heard that name before…The chess player formerly known as Nik…
* Nude chess has, of course, been touted.